Thursday, November 7, 2013

A Year of "Firsts" to Come.

Since my Mom passed away in August, I've experienced so many different and new emotions.

I have allowed myself to grieve. 
I have let myself feel down when I needed to. 
I have cried my eyes out when it didn't feel like life was fair.
I have felt an overwhelming sense of sadness when I think about her no longer being here, 
and all of the things she'll never get to see or do.
I have experienced that shocking feeling that comes with the loss of someone close to you.
I have felt anger thinking about how cancer took her from so many people who loved her.

I have also felt comfort when I think about her smile.
I have remained thankful that I got to have her in my life for as long as I did.
I have been proud knowing that she was such a remarkable person who left her stamp on so many.
I have felt so much happiness in my heart knowing that I've got half of her in me.
I have found solace knowing that her 4 children are a perfect reflection of her.
I have felt a sense of relief knowing she is no longer in pain.
And most importantly, I have tried my hardest to remain strong and positive, 
knowing that she is looking down on me.
I want to make her proud.

Today, November 7th, 
would mark my Mom's 56th birthday.

This entire week has proven to be a challenge for me.
I haven't really felt like myself.
Although I've been trying hard to remain strong, this is one of those times when it feels impossible.
The tears have just been showing up whenever they damn well please.
This is the first important date we've hit since my Mom passed away.
One of those "firsts" they say you experience following a loss.
Next comes Thanksgiving, followed by Christmas and New Years.
Then comes 2014,
 the year I'll get to marry the man of my dreams in front of our family and friends, 
with one very important person noticeably absent.
I have an ache in my heart just thinking about it.

The truth is, each an every day after her death has been difficult.
Sure, time has begun to ease the pain a little bit.
Instead of that sadness, grief, and loss staring me straight in the eyes, now it's more like it's sitting on my shoulder, letting me get through everyday tasks, but still close enough to jump right back in my face when I least expect it. 

There's no "how to" manual for life.
Nobody teaches you how to experience all of these emotions.
Maybe it's because there really isn't one correct way.
You don't know how you're going to react until your right in the thick of it.
Truth is, I don't know how today is going to go.
The same goes for all of the holidays, special occasions, and "firsts" that will happen within the next year.
But what I do know is this -
 Somehow I'm going to find the strength and courage I need to get through it,
the same way she found the strength and courage she needed to battle cancer for 8+ years of her life.

Happy Birthday, Mom.
I promise to celebrate & honor you today, tomorrow, and always.
Love you lots.


  1. Happy Birthday to your Mom! Also, I agree, there is no correct way to grieve but I believe it's important to let yourself feel what you're going feel. After my friend Brent died at 20 years old that really helped me, to feel everything. Firsts are definitely hard and they do get easier over the years but unfortunately the pain never completely goes away.

  2. Sounds like she left quite a legacy in you! I lost my mom a bit over a year and a half ago, and went through (am still going through) all those emotions as well. There were a lot of first in the fist year, like you said (I even got married a year after she died). I hear as time goes on it will get easier, but never lose the memory of her and what she mean to you!